There are differing schools of thought regarding so-called “off year” elections. One, that they are to be summarily dismissed as nothing more than the inconsequential squaring off of varsity politician wannabes, and two, that these are more important than national elections because they more immediately affect our local laws and regulations, i.e. they are “closer to home.”

I prefer to think of them as the reason I can’t find the letter from my Aunt Nettie in the mailbox this time of year. Invariably, it is sandwiched between the myriad flyers alluding that State Senator Wagner is a cheating, low-down, lying scumbag who eats his young and the ones implying that State Senator Wagner is indeed the second coming and will provide manna from heaven for all his constituents.

But let’s look a bit closer. Below is a picture of the same candidate, Frank Wagner, taken from two perspectives. The one on the left is from the opposition’s flyer. The one on the right is from his own campaign flyer.

The same man, correct? If you said yes, you’d be wrong.

Here’s why: The man on the left is Frank Wagner aka Lord Lucifer of the bottomless pit. The man on the right is Frank Wagner aka Gabriel the Archangel.

– The one on the left has disheveled hair that has obviously been singed by the hell fires of the Nether World. The one on the right has a coiffure that only a saint could pull off.

– The man on the left has an uneven flesh tone that shows his blood runs either hot or cold. This comes in handy when trying to steal the souls from unsuspecting voters. The man on the right has perfect flesh tone, suggestive of the innocence of a new-born baby, the type of person with whom you would trust yours.

– The man on the left has the dark, narrow, piercing eyes that we would expect from one so vile as Beelzebub himself. The one on the right has wide, soft, beautiful baby blues that say “let me make life a bit easier for you.”

– Look at the smile of the man on the left. It’s toothy, devious and obviously faked to lure in that naïve first time voter. The man on the right flashes a genuine smile that has “let’s get together for a beer” written all over it.

– And how about the nose? The man’s on the left has an abrupt curvature, no doubt from eons of inhaling sulfur and hot gases. The man on the right has a much more pleasant nasal outline implying a “no stench zone” surrounding his entire campaign.

– And the background. What a difference! On the left, the harsh red brick that one would naturally associate with a well-worn fire pit. Why, it could have been taken in the actual office of the Prince of Darkness! On the right, the soft calming blue, expressing caring and understanding. One naturally assumes it was taken of him unawares while he was visiting a children’s hospital.

So please help me out here. Should I vote for the man on the left, the Antichrist? Or should I vote for the man on the right, the Prophet? The fate of my district is in your hands!